‘Ambulance’ review: Something To Make Experience A Lot

The people who are lucky enough to see the moving pictures and then write about them professionally tend to find themselves writing not just reviews of bad movies, but the same review of a bad movie over and again. These films are lowest-common-denominator trash, just because you can stage gajillions of explosions and endlessly wreck sports cars doesn’t mean you should, all this endless Bayhem is too poorly staged to be exhilarating or even a guilty pleasure, yadda yadda yadda.

Ambulance centers around two brothers, Will (Watchmen‘s Yahya Abdul-Mateen II) and Danny (Jake Gyllenhaal), who find themselves in the middle of a bank robbery gone very. very wrong. (Wait, they’re brothers, you ask? Yes, Danny’s dad took Will in as a kid. Several people also express bewilderment at this fact during the movie. They are quickly greeted by eyerolls.) They end up commandeering an ambulance — see title — as an emergency getaway car. An EMT (Eiza González) and a severely wounded cop (Jackson White) are along for the ride. A special-ops unit of the LAPD, an FBI agent, a host of helicopters and roughly 72,000 black-and-white police cruisers chase the crooks and their hostages all around Los Angeles. Is this all merely an excuse to show off firepower and fireballs, albeit at less of the usual budget (a mere $40 million, which is roughly the cost of a single Transformer’s tune-up)? Yes. Yes, it is.

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So, as a public service to our readers — because we like you, we really, really like you! — we’ve devised a drinking game to be played while watching this magnum opus. While we do not condone the excessive consumption of alcohol, or sneaking spirits and other such beverages into a theater, or any display of public intoxication, we also do not think you should endure Ambulance while being sober. If you are in recovery, by the way, we offer you a sincere congratulations. We also recommend you go see Sonic the Hedgehog 2 instead.

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